What I want Is What I fear
by Trufreak89
Summary: She hadn’t meant to get her hurt, everyone had told her that it wasn’t her fault, but Alice knew it was. AS


**Title: **What I Want Is What I Fear

**Summary: **_She hadn't meant to get her hurt, everyone had told her that it wasn't her fault, but Alice knew it was._

**Disclaimer:** I don't own The L Word or any of its characters.

**Rating: **PG-13

**A/N: **TopazDragon requested a Shane/Alice story and since they gave me such a good review and I had already half wrote this I decided to finally finish and post it. Unfortunately it's very angsty and has some tragedy in it.

Alice watched helplessly as doctors and nurses rushed around Shane in the ER and a nurse held her back, stopping her from getting close to her friend. She could no longer hear the beep, beep, beep of the heart monitor that Shane was attached to. Now a high pitch drone filled her ears as though it was screaming the pain that Alice felt.

After an agonising length of time where Alice felt her heart beat faster and faster as though her own heart were making up for the beats that Shane's was missing, the reassuring beep, beep, beep returned.

Alice watched her unconscious and frail friend lying in the hospital bed that she had put her in. She hadn't meant to get her hurt, everyone had told her that it wasn't her fault, but Alice knew it was.

**The Night Before**

Shane scanned the occupants of the nightclub she was in and found an attractive young blonde sitting on her own at the bar. "You look like you could use some company." Shane smiled seductively at the woman until she realised it was Alice.

She cocked an eyebrow in response and laughed. "That desperate huh, Shane?" She teased as her friend sat down beside her.

"I'm not lucky enough to be able to have you Al." Shane grinned as her friend blushed and even in the dark club it was visible.

"Play your cards right and you never know." Alice continued to flirt; it was an old game she and Shane had played for years.

"I think I'll play poker in the rear, liqueur in the front…" Shane didn't back down from the challenge.

"If you play those cards you might just be onto something." Alice grinned. "Buy me a beer and I might just make you breakfast."

"Only one beer? That's pretty easy…"

"Oh, I'm not easy." Alice whispered in her ear sending the hairs on the back of Shane's neck tingling.

"We'll see…" Shane began to say but was cut off by Alice's lips locking over hers. Usually when an attractive blonde kissed her Shane's first reaction was to find the nearest place to fuck, but this time she pulled away. Unfortunately it was a little too fast and she fell off the stool she had been sitting on. "Fuck!" Shane cursed as she hit her head off the hard wooden floor.

Alice pulled her to her feet and used herself as a crutch to support her dazed friend as they left the club.

Once they were out of the club Shane pulled away from Alice and steadied herself against a nearby wall. "What the fuck was that?"

"You falling on your ass?" Alice replied as she stood in front of her a small grin on her face. Shane smirked sarcastically at her and shook her head to try and clear the dizziness but on top of the three beers she had it only made her feel worse.

"I meant when you…when you kissed me. What the fuck was it?" Alice stepped closer and captured Shane's lips once again.

"It was that." Alice whispered into Shane's ear as she pressed herself closer against her friend.

For once Shane was at a loss for words. The cool, levelheaded seductress didn't know what to say. "H-have you been d-drinking?" She asked as she tried to pull away from Alice only to be backed further against the wall.

Alice shook her head in response and allowed her lips to linger teasingly next to Shane's. "I'm not drunk Shane. I'm in complete control." She proved this by letting her hands roam down Shane's sides and settle on her hips to pull her closer. "I want you."

"No. You don't." Shane pushed her away gently to free herself but Alice was persistent and pinned her to the wall with her arms stretched above her head.

"Yes. I do. I've wanted you for a long time Shane…" Shane was more forceful as she pushed Alice away this time and sent the blonde stumbling backwards.

She ran her hands through her hair and sighed as her headache worsened. "Alice you're my friend…whatever you want to happen can't. You know me. I don't go for relationships or commitment, you know that!" Alice grinned as she stepped closer again and cupped Shane's cheek as the young woman looked away from her.

"I know what you're like Shane, hell half of the women in West Hollywood know what you're like, but I want you. It doesn't have to be a relationship, no commitment, no strings attached. It's just sex…I promise."

Shane lost her patience and pushed Alice up against the wall. "Is this what you want?" She growled. "You want me to treat you like dirt, use you for a quick fuck and then expect everything to be ok again?" Alice stared hungrily at her as she nodded.

Shane released her and stepped away, kicking a trash can as she went. "FUCK!" She screamed at the top of her lungs causing Alice to stand where she was and not advance on the young heartbreaker. "Everybody thinks that's all I want! They think I just want sex and then I'll drop the girl once I've got it. Maybe it isn't like that! Maybe I just want…" She stopped and shook her head. "Go home Alice, crawl into bed, sober up and forget this ever happened."

"What do you want Shane?" Alice asked stepping closer to her. "I'm your friend. I'm supposed to look out for you; whatever you want who better is there to give you it than a friend? I want you Shane, and I wanna make you happy."

Shane allowed Alice's arms to wrap around her and the blonde to hug her. "This." She muttered as she held on to the blonde. "I want somebody to hold me, somebody to be there for me, to make me happy. I want to be like Bette and Tina, waking up to the woman I love everyday…I just want someone to love me."

"I do." Alice whispered in her ear before playfully kissing it. "I want you so much that it hurts Shane. I love you so much that I was prepared to do anything to be with you tonight, even if it meant it was just mind-blowing-incredible-sex for one night and then you avoiding me for the rest of my life. I'd give you anything Shane. You've already got my love, you can have my body, what more do you want?"

Shane pulled away once more and shook her head. "I want those things Alice. I want love and commitment and I want to wake up every morning beside someone I love…"

"I can give you them Shane." Alice assured her.

"You don't get it Al. I want them; I'm just too scared to have them. I don't want to take a chance at having those things only to blow it and lose someone special to me, someone like you."

"Are you quite finished with your Yoda moment?" Alice frowned; her mood had become dominant once again. "You don't want to take a chance at loving me? Fine. But I meant what I said Shane. I. Want. You. Now. I can't take being around you knowing that most of the women in L.A have been with you, women you don't care about and I haven't. You said I'm special to you. Well if you cared you'd give me what I want."

Shane's features became hard and resolute once more and there was no trace of the vulnerable young woman that had been present before. "You want to fuck?" She asked, her feral gaze taking in every aspect of Alice and her trademark lopsided smile in full force.

She took hold of Alice and once again pushed her against the wall. As they kissed Shane's hands roamed over Alice's body and she elicited a moan from her blonde friend as one hand slipped up her skirt. "You're place or mine?" She huskily asked the breathless blonde.

The next morning Shane woke up in an unfamiliar bed, staring up at a ceiling she had never seen before. This was not unusual for her but when she rolled over to see her conquest of the night she almost fell out of the bed with shock. Alice lay naked beside her with the blanket barely covering her body. The blonde slept peacefully as Shane internally freaked out.

What had she done? She'd crossed the line with one of her closest friends. She tried to remember what had led to the surprise awakening and remembered having a few beers before she's met Alice…and she'd bumped her head when she'd fallen off the stool…because Alice had kissed her. Shane's disjointed memories of the evening came flooding back to her.

She'd broken and allowed herself to go home with Alice, after more alcohol they'd made their way to the bedroom and…She had to get out of the room, Shane knew that if Alice woke up and found her still there it would build her hopes up and Shane did not like hurting people, especially Alice.

She dressed quickly and left without leaving a note, she hoped Alice would wake up and believe she had dreamt the whole thing, but part of her smugly wanted Alice to remember exactly how Shane had made her feel.

Later that night Shane's cell phone rang as she lay on her sofa. "Hey." She acted like nothing had happened. "What's up?"

"Shane…we need to talk." Alice's nervous voice replied. "Please." Shane moaned and held her head as another dizzy spell washed over her.

"Al, I'm not feeling to good. Can we just…can we just do this another time?" Shane pleaded as her vision blurred.

"Shane we can't let this wait ok? It's just going to get more and more awkward until we talk about what happened." Shane sighed and picked up her keys.

"I'll be over your place in half an hour." She walked to the bathroom and swallowed two painkillers before grabbing a pad of paper and a pen.

As she drove in her truck her dizziness returned and the road in front of her blurred as she squinted out of the windshield. She closed her eyes for a second to clear them and she cried out as the truck suddenly jerked and she was slammed off the steering wheel. She vaguely made out the shape of a mailbox before passing out.

**Present**

"Miss Pieszecki?" A doctor approached her as Dana and Bette sat with her by Shane's bedside. "I'm Dr. Warrington. Miss McCutcheon has you down as her next of kin." He informed her. Alice looked up in surprise.

"You've known her the longest." Bette explained. "Shane always said you were like family to her…we all are…but she's closer to you."

"I need to ask you something which isn't going to be easy." He continued. "Miss McCutcheon was deprived of air when she passed out in the car and she's been revived three times now…her body can't take another revival. She had a brain haemorrhage in the crash…"

"Could have been caused by a head injury?" Alice asked. "Like falling off a stool?" The doctor shook his head.

"We believe the head injury she sustained gave her a concussion, she had painkillers in her jacket which she'd obviously took, they caused her to be even more dizzy than the concussion ever could of and that's why she crashed the car. Miss Pieszecki, it's my belief that if we continue to revive Shane she will keep having heart failure until we can't revive her anymore or she becomes brain dead. She's stable now but she could relapse at any time…I need to ask for your permission to implement D.N.R as Shane isn't conscious to make the decision herself."

"D.N.R?" Alice repeated.

"Do not resuscitate." Better answered. Alice's eyes filled with tears and she shook her head.

"You can't put my friend's life in my hands." She cried. "It's not fair."

"I know." The doctor replied solemnly, "but Shane is only being kept alive by machines, without them she'd be dead. She's in a coma; the chances of her ever coming out of it are slim to none…that's no quality of life. Would you want that for her?"

Alice stared up at Shane's peaceful face and shook her head. "No. She…she'd want to…want to…don't resuscitate her doctor."

"You're sure?" He asked. Alice nodded. "It's very hard to let someone die miss, but your friend obviously trusted you to make the right decision for her. She's better off this way."

A few minutes later Alice and Jenny accompanied by Jenny entered the private hospital room that Shane lay in. They sat quietly, unsure of what to do or say, and waited for the inevitable. They didn't wait long. Shane's heart monitor started screaming again as she lay peacefully unaware in her coma induced sleep.

After a few minutes the nurses came and switched off the machines and the others left the room, sobbing quietly and holding one another. Alice sat by Shane's bedside and stared vacantly at the wonder that had been Shane McCutcheon.

"I love you." She muttered as she kissed her cheek before leaving the room, and Shane, for good.

As they sat in the family room comforting one another Bette, Tina and Dana hugged each other closely as Tina sobbed with Dana and Bette sat staring vacantly at a wall. Jenny held a crying Marina as they sat huddled in the corner and Alice sat on her own cradling the sugary tea she had been given to help in case she was in shock.

Dr. Warrington entered the room and looked at Alice sombrely before handing her a letter. "We found this in her jacket, it's addressed to you. I'm so very sorry for your loss."

"Thank you." Alice mumbled as silent tears fell down her cheeks. She opened the folded piece of paper and read it to herself.

_Dear Alice, I'm usually fantastic with words, especially when it comes to saying the right things to women, but you're different. You scare me so much because you don't just want se. You want me and I didn't think I could deal with that but then I realised how much of a fucking coward I'm being. I woke up this morning and turned over to find I was lying with someone who loved me. You gave me exactly what I wanted Al; I woke up next to someone special to me who loved me. I can't do relationships, they just end up bad, but I can't live my life that way and I want you to know that I want to try. I want to take a chance, on you. I want to love you. Shane XXX. _

As Alice's sobs grew wracked her body the others sat down beside her and held her. Bette took the letter and shook her head. "Alice. I'm so sorry." Alice smiled as the tears continued to flow.

"She was going to take a chance on me." She choked out. "I lost her before I even had her."

**7 months later**

"Some people believe that as one soul leaves the world another comes to take its place." Kit spoke in front of the gathering of friends and family in the Planet, which she part owned with Marina. "We lost a very special person seven months ago…and we all still miss her real bad, but today is a happy day, a day to move on and look forward to the future. Today we're celebrating little Shane Porter's christening. So have a good time and have a drink for Shane, she's got 18 years to wait."

The people clapped as Kit got off the stage still holding a precious bundle in her arms. She handed the small baby girl to her mothers Tina and Bette who smiled at their daughter.

"Hey, no hogging the baby. It's aunty Alice's turn." Alice smiled as Bette handed little Shane to her godmother. As baby Shane gurgled at Alice and allowed her eyes to wander over the people around her Alice laughed and shook her head as a woman in a small skirt went past and Shane laughed.

"Looks like we're gonna' have another handful."

Fin.


End file.
